


My Shattered Heart

by Fluffyboots



Category: Victoria (TV)
Genre: Alfred's POV, Alfred's thoughts, Christmas Special, Drummond's death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Proposing to Welhelmina, sad stuff, the funeral - Freeform, whyd they make me write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 08:52:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13163499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fluffyboots/pseuds/Fluffyboots
Summary: Alfred's feelings and thoughts about Edward's death and his funeral, then my interpretation of the Christmas Special.





	My Shattered Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I just watched the Christmas Special and had to write this. It's probably not very good case I wrote this pretty quick haha but OH WELL. 
> 
> Pretty much what how I imagine Alfred had been feeling, and the thoughts he had about proposing to Welhelmina.

It has been several months since Edward was shot and killed, tearing him away from the man that was finally ready to surrender his heart and soul.

The world had crumbled around him when he read that black-edged letter. If it wasn’t for the fact that it was delivered to the Duchess, he would have thought it was one of his relatives that had passed away. The grim piece of stationary was unfolded; “Edward Drummond”. He wished that it had been one of them instead.

His lover’s funeral was undoubtedly the most difficult day of Alfred’s life. While carrying Edward’s coffin, he couldn’t stop thinking about the most beautiful man he had ever met laying cold and still in his wooden confinement. Alfred did as he was instructed; he stayed at the back, didn’t draw too much attention to himself, and fought with all his might to hold back burning tears of grief and heartbreak. He barely managed to stop himself from leaping into the grave and insisting on being buried along with Edward. It was a miracle that he could even stand at this point, he supposed that he had Miss Coke to thank for keeping him from collapsing on the ground in a wailing heap. He watched the dark soil being tossed on top of the coffin, the ache in his chest let him know that his heart had died along with Edward.

It took Alfred some time to accept that the love of his life was now rotting beneath the earth. He visited the grave whenever he could, and spent his nights dreaming about their time in Scotland. His grief quickly festered into guilt and regret; if he had done something differently, his precious Edward may still be alive. He should have confessed his love years ago. He should have gone after Edward when he stormed out of Ciros… no, he shouldn’t have said the things that made him storm out.

Alfred was a shell of his old self, a joyless ghost that stood in the corner and cursed the world for its cruelty. Few people noticed the drastic change in his personality. It was funny how the rest of them carried on like nothing had happened, but for him it was as though the world was drained of all its colour and meaning. There wasn’t a thing on Earth that could save him from the dark abyss occupying the space where his heart use to be.

The months dragged by and soon Christmas day was approaching. He had never spent a Christmas with Edward before, but it still felt empty without him. The most painful part was watching everyone else enjoying the holiday with loved ones, when the man he loved no longer walked the Earth. Alfred found it easier to cope now, or perhaps he had simply become accustomed to the crushing weight of his grief. He appreciated the support Wilhelmina gave him, he would even dare say that he had come to enjoy her company. A Christmas letter arrived from his father, wishing him well and tastelessly reminding him to hurry up and find a bride.

Alfred lay awake all-night thinking. Thus far his father had been lenient, probably due to his abundance of siblings, and allowed him time to find a wife on his own. Instead he had found Edward, and now his father is growing impatient. It won’t be long before he tries to arrange a marriage for Alfred.

Marrying Wilhelmina is the best option available to him. They are friends, he enjoys spending time with her. And most importantly, she is one of the very few people that knows the truth about him and Edward. She seems to accept it. He doesn’t expect her to fully comprehend the deep and complicated love he shared with Edward, but at least she acknowledges it. If he was forced to marry any other woman… he would not be able to even mention Edward. He would need to pretend that it never happened, and make countless excuses for his depressed moods. At least with Wilhelmina, he wouldn’t need to pretend anymore.

He is confident that Wilhelmina will accept his proposal. He knows that she would prefer to marry out of love, but she is smart enough to know that the chance of that happening is very slim. Alfred may be incapable of giving her love, but he can offer friendship, security, and the guarantee that he will not mistreat her. When Alfred was given the locket containing Edward’s hair, it further assured him that this was indeed the right decision. Wilhelmina has supported him through the most difficult time of his life, she understands that the love he shared with Edward was true, and she doesn’t judge him for it. 

Alfred misses him every second of every day, but he believes that Edward would want him to carry on and attempt to find some sort of happiness in this bleak world. If Wilhelmina gave him a child, perhaps his life would regain some meaning and give him a reason to keep living. He wouldn’t mind having children, although the act required to create them was concerning, the ends would justify the means. He supposed that he could will himself into performing his husbandly duty, even if he had to close his eyes and think of Edward… wait, that’s not it. “Think of England”. That's the saying.


End file.
